having a website is weird. i know of a lot of people who enjoy it, who like to learn to personalize their own website.
I bought this site ages ago when weebly was cheaper, so it operates under a template system and is also meant to be mostly for commercial ventures, setting up a shop and so on.
as a result, i don't feel very connected to my website and don't really interact with it much either. i think it would be nice to change that, considering that i keep paying for it... do people look here? they probably do at least a little. i do like that i have comics listed here, even if the way they're hosted isn't my favorite.
i do also host my free downloads here, though people tend to have trouble with downloading them. i should probably make a link for games I've made, which are mostly just short VNs right now, though Seams and Senses is almost ready to post, so that's a longer VN. The next game I want to work on is Don't Worry, Darkworld! which isn't a VN, and I hope people will enjoy.
... I don't really know why I'm writing all this. A few days ago I realized I could write longform on my website and the idea kept spinning around on my head, so I finally decided to write even though I have nothing to write about. I think I just like writing in some ways, and seeing as how cohost is dead, my website is what came to mind next.
I think being me feels weird. Years feel short and blend into one another, and life feels similarly... I'm 32, but i don't particularly feel like what a younger me imagined being 30 would be like. I feel more behind than ever. I feel like an impostor as well... People compliment me about my music and tell me how it has helped them, but I feel as though someone else made what they love. Which is really disorienting!
I dissociate a lot through life and I don't recommend it. It's really weird to be aware of a lot of emotional or psychological aspects of myself but to not really be able to "Steer the ship" any better, so to speak. I'm aware of lack of motivation and symptoms of depression and I know doomscrolling doesn't help, and that I should get up and do things anyway... But... It's just not easy. It's not even mid-difficulty. It's difficult and it doesn't really give me any sort of reward usually to try, and it doesn't feel like it makes much of a difference in general. So I try to just pass time.
In my deepest depression a year or two ago, I believe I drew Cat and Raccoon with dialogue about just passing time... I checked, and it was posted nov 2024, though I'm not sure if that's when I drew it? Anyway, I've just been doing that. Passing time. In between long stretches of nothing are times where I draw, times where I go to doctors, times where I try different medications.
Don't let life pass you by, and all that! Live like you were dying! I know this inspires others to do more, but I don't know how to connect to it. I wish I did.
I recognize I am luckier than many in that I have a family who cares and I have health insurance and can try different medications and get special medicine for liver problems I've had for years. Other people would have probably died ages ago... And that makes me want to do more, to make that matter in some way, but... I don't have the energy right now. It's very slow-going.
I have done a lot in these few past years irl, with the crowning achievement of that being finally getting my driver's license. I am slowly moving towards a better life. But it does... make me sad in some ways still, to be so far behind and to be so barely "alive". I used to be afraid that medication would simply change who I am. Who would I be if I were not miserable? Etc. Now I'm over that. But it turns out my genetics are weird and a lot of medication that works for others, doesn't work for me.
I'm trying something else soon, and I hope it works. I would like some energy. I would like feelings outside of boredom and emptiness. I would like to be able to create what I want to create.
I think part of the problem I have is just... When I care about something, I tend to keep it to myself until I'm able to present it more concretely. I don't really talk about my OCs or stories to people... I've forgotten how to. I don't really see my OCs in other things, I don't listen to music and think of my characters. I squirrel things away so much that I deprive them of oxygen.
Part of me wants to share, but I couldn't say why, and that lack of being able to say why makes my OCD attack it. Surely I just want attention and validation. Yeah, we're social creatures but it's wrong in this instance unless you have a specific external reason. <- Even providing some kind of reason will only result in the goalpost shifting.
It's exhausting. I am exhausted by the time that I get to drawing anything. Completing creative work currently results in others being happy, but not me. It's weird. Other people enjoy what I draw, but I don't feel anything from it. So why do I want to share? It's not even like the validation reaches me. Or on the rare occasions that it does, it goes away quite quickly internally.
It's hard to want to do anything when I don't feel okay let alone good most of the time.
...I'm not sure what to do with saying all of this. It is nice to write all of it, even if it's just jumping around a lot without a point, and I don't really know if many people will see this at all. I don't mind if people don't see it. Less pressure to respond to anyone.
I miss feeling meaning. I have tried to cultivate it myself, but I just seem unable to, or I do the thing where I keep it to myself and it eventually dries out. It's difficult to describe. I worry I'm not trying hard enough. I worry I'm using depression and OCD and whatever brain chemical imbalances I have as crutches, and that in reality I could just do whatever even if it's hard and feels bad, and that relying on medication and whatever else is just being weak and addicted and letting other people solve my problems for me, and I'm supposed to solve everything by myself.
These worries are automatic. I recognize they are at best really misguided, but they don't stop. It's exhausting.
I suppose now I'm just complaining. I'll get back to drawing now. Until next time.
I bought this site ages ago when weebly was cheaper, so it operates under a template system and is also meant to be mostly for commercial ventures, setting up a shop and so on.
as a result, i don't feel very connected to my website and don't really interact with it much either. i think it would be nice to change that, considering that i keep paying for it... do people look here? they probably do at least a little. i do like that i have comics listed here, even if the way they're hosted isn't my favorite.
i do also host my free downloads here, though people tend to have trouble with downloading them. i should probably make a link for games I've made, which are mostly just short VNs right now, though Seams and Senses is almost ready to post, so that's a longer VN. The next game I want to work on is Don't Worry, Darkworld! which isn't a VN, and I hope people will enjoy.
... I don't really know why I'm writing all this. A few days ago I realized I could write longform on my website and the idea kept spinning around on my head, so I finally decided to write even though I have nothing to write about. I think I just like writing in some ways, and seeing as how cohost is dead, my website is what came to mind next.
I think being me feels weird. Years feel short and blend into one another, and life feels similarly... I'm 32, but i don't particularly feel like what a younger me imagined being 30 would be like. I feel more behind than ever. I feel like an impostor as well... People compliment me about my music and tell me how it has helped them, but I feel as though someone else made what they love. Which is really disorienting!
I dissociate a lot through life and I don't recommend it. It's really weird to be aware of a lot of emotional or psychological aspects of myself but to not really be able to "Steer the ship" any better, so to speak. I'm aware of lack of motivation and symptoms of depression and I know doomscrolling doesn't help, and that I should get up and do things anyway... But... It's just not easy. It's not even mid-difficulty. It's difficult and it doesn't really give me any sort of reward usually to try, and it doesn't feel like it makes much of a difference in general. So I try to just pass time.
In my deepest depression a year or two ago, I believe I drew Cat and Raccoon with dialogue about just passing time... I checked, and it was posted nov 2024, though I'm not sure if that's when I drew it? Anyway, I've just been doing that. Passing time. In between long stretches of nothing are times where I draw, times where I go to doctors, times where I try different medications.
Don't let life pass you by, and all that! Live like you were dying! I know this inspires others to do more, but I don't know how to connect to it. I wish I did.
I recognize I am luckier than many in that I have a family who cares and I have health insurance and can try different medications and get special medicine for liver problems I've had for years. Other people would have probably died ages ago... And that makes me want to do more, to make that matter in some way, but... I don't have the energy right now. It's very slow-going.
I have done a lot in these few past years irl, with the crowning achievement of that being finally getting my driver's license. I am slowly moving towards a better life. But it does... make me sad in some ways still, to be so far behind and to be so barely "alive". I used to be afraid that medication would simply change who I am. Who would I be if I were not miserable? Etc. Now I'm over that. But it turns out my genetics are weird and a lot of medication that works for others, doesn't work for me.
I'm trying something else soon, and I hope it works. I would like some energy. I would like feelings outside of boredom and emptiness. I would like to be able to create what I want to create.
I think part of the problem I have is just... When I care about something, I tend to keep it to myself until I'm able to present it more concretely. I don't really talk about my OCs or stories to people... I've forgotten how to. I don't really see my OCs in other things, I don't listen to music and think of my characters. I squirrel things away so much that I deprive them of oxygen.
Part of me wants to share, but I couldn't say why, and that lack of being able to say why makes my OCD attack it. Surely I just want attention and validation. Yeah, we're social creatures but it's wrong in this instance unless you have a specific external reason. <- Even providing some kind of reason will only result in the goalpost shifting.
It's exhausting. I am exhausted by the time that I get to drawing anything. Completing creative work currently results in others being happy, but not me. It's weird. Other people enjoy what I draw, but I don't feel anything from it. So why do I want to share? It's not even like the validation reaches me. Or on the rare occasions that it does, it goes away quite quickly internally.
It's hard to want to do anything when I don't feel okay let alone good most of the time.
...I'm not sure what to do with saying all of this. It is nice to write all of it, even if it's just jumping around a lot without a point, and I don't really know if many people will see this at all. I don't mind if people don't see it. Less pressure to respond to anyone.
I miss feeling meaning. I have tried to cultivate it myself, but I just seem unable to, or I do the thing where I keep it to myself and it eventually dries out. It's difficult to describe. I worry I'm not trying hard enough. I worry I'm using depression and OCD and whatever brain chemical imbalances I have as crutches, and that in reality I could just do whatever even if it's hard and feels bad, and that relying on medication and whatever else is just being weak and addicted and letting other people solve my problems for me, and I'm supposed to solve everything by myself.
These worries are automatic. I recognize they are at best really misguided, but they don't stop. It's exhausting.
I suppose now I'm just complaining. I'll get back to drawing now. Until next time.
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